Thursday, February 28, 2013

Mortal Kombat OC





"Life is hard but not impossible."

~~Basic Information~~

Name: Zuri Diana Briggs

Meaning: Zuri means "beautiful" in Swahili.

Age: Varies

Birthday: October 31st

Gender: Female

Height: 5'9

Weight: 180 lbs

Occupation: United States Special Forces

Codename: Mirage

Attire Description: Example 1 Example 2 Example 3

Outstanding Marks: Zuri has various tattoos: "Kenya" on her upper right arm, "Kwame" on her upper left arm, "Crystal" on her back with a diamond underneath, a dragon on her left calf, a scorpion on her right calf, and a red rose on her stomach. Zuri has many scars all over her body from her time in the Special Forces.


~~Specifics~~

Race: Human

Origin Realm: Earthrealm

Resident Realm: Earthrealm

Alignment: Good

Powers/Abilities: N/A

Faction: Special Forces


~~Personality~~

At first glance, Zuri seems like an introverted, classy ice queen. She is quiet, troubled, brooding, grim, moody, seemingly emotionless, intelligent, studious, and sarcastic. Zuri can always come up with a snarky and sarcastic remark and her wittiness knows no bounds. She is quite mature, often giving advice to others about various subjects and generally staying cool and calm no matter how desperate the situation is. Around strangers, Zuri is often emotionally restrained, appearing secretive and distant as well as spending most of her time by herself. It is difficult for her to build trust in anyone and even more difficult to truly forgive if that trust were to be broken. Zuri doesn't like to mince words and says whatever is on her mind no matter what, having no tolerance for stupidity. Her mouth can be quite outrageous to the point of being humorous. She doesn't change for others and doesn't compromise when it comes to her morals and values. With Zuri, it's her way or the highway.

Once someone is able to get close to Zuri, they are often shocked to see a different side of her. One that's creative, passionate, and affectionate. She will also express more emotion around the people she's close to and is very loyal and caring towards them, even willing to fight for them if need be. Zuri doesn't get intimidated and can be quite vindictive when angered even to the point of violence. Because of her history with being bullied, Zuri still struggles with low self-esteem which she hides by putting up a tough, emotionless front that can be prone to anger, mood swings, and overall outbursts. Extreme emotional highs and lows are part of her nature, but she can hide emotions tidily and look absolutely collected from the outside. She often hides her emotions under the shell of pretended indifference or egoism, but actually she is a very sensitive person, who can be hurt easily by negative treatment. She feels everything deeply, but her emotions often are twisted up in contradictions.

Zuri has a very good intuition to the point of often reading other people's minds. She is smart and charming, ever-alluring and highly seductive. Zuri is willful and resistant to rules that are forced upon her and she also hates when anyone tries to dominate her. Zuri is possessive and wants all or nothing from the people that she's close to. She is the type of person who never forgets when someone is nice to her and also never ever forgets when someone is mean to her. It takes her a long time to let go of grudges and she always remembers who was at fault in any given situation.


~~Biography~~

Zuri was born to Crystal Briggs and Beau Willie Brown. Her parents were fresh out of high school and Beau enlisted into the U.S. Army while Crystal took up a job as an assistant to a large CEO. Crystal adjusted perfectly to her job while Beau was having a difficult time adapting to military life and his mental state began to deteriorate slowly but surely.

When Zuri was 5, her younger siblings Kenya and Kwame were born which resulted in Beau leaving the military when his contract was up. He tried to find a job but it was proving difficult due to his PTSD and alcoholism. To make matters worse, Beau had started to become abusive towards Crystal and it wasn't uncommon for Zuri to go to school with bruises on her body. Although CPS was often called on the Briggs family, nothing came of it due to Beau's aggression and temper scaring them away.

Zuri lived in constant fear and anxiety for many years until the unthinkable happened. When she was 12, Beau had dropped Kenya and Kwame out of the window of their apartment building. Since they were on the 5th floor, they died instantly. Zuri and Crystal had tried to save them but they were badly beaten in the process. Beau was arrested and charged with two counts of murder and two counts of aggravated assault with his sentence being life in prison without parole.

Sadly this did nothing to quell the grief and pain in Crystal's heart and six months later, she committed suicide by overdosing on pills. Zuri had come home from school and found her body. Her crying and screaming had alerted the neighbors who called the paramedics and Zuri was taken into foster care.

The police had contacted her uncle Jackson Briggs who had joined the Special Forces shortly after Zuri was born but lost contact with Crystal due to Beau's abusive ways. Jax and his wife Vera instantly took Zuri into their custody, raising her alongside their daughter Jacqui.

For the first time in her life, Zuri was able to experience the true love and affection of family although it was difficult for her to open up to everyone because of all the trauma that she had went through. Zuri showed an interest in joining the Special Forces much to Jax's chagrin and on her 18th birthday, she finally accomplished that dream although it caused a strain between her and Jax for quite some time.

2 years later, Zuri found herself romantically involved with a fellow soldier named Liam Park and their passionate love affair resulted in Zuri having a daughter that she named Naomi. But their relationship came to an end when Naomi was a year old due to them wanting different things out of life. Zuri wanted to get married and Liam didn't. Liam wanted to leave Special Forces and Zuri didn't. But their break-up was amicable and they promised to always remain friends at the very least.

Zuri is now enjoying her career in Special Forces while also raising her daughter and co-parenting with her ex the best she can.


~~Personal~~

Love Interest(s): Kung Lao, Sonya Blade, Cassie Cage, Jade, Kuai Liang, Erron Black, Hanzo Hasashi

Child(ren): Zuri has a daughter named Naomi Crystal Park.

Orientation: Bisexual

Organization: Special Forces

Favored Individuals: Jacqui Briggs, Cassie Cage, Sonya Blade, Kung Jin, Takeda Takahashi

Heritage: Briggs

Family:

Father: Beau Willie Brown | Incarcerated
Mother: Crystal Briggs | Deceased
Younger Sister: Kenya Brown | Deceased
Younger Brother: Kwame Brown | Deceased
Uncle: Jackson Briggs | Alive
Aunt: Vera Briggs | Alive
Cousin: Jacqueline Briggs | Alive
Daughter: Naomi Park | Alive


~~Extras~~

Scent: Cinnamon and spice

Favorite Foods: Steak, Cheeseburgers, Greens

Favorite Drinks: Sex On The Beach, Blue Lagoon, Margarita

Favorite Hangout: Zuri can often be seen at an arcade called The Sacred Hang.

Preferred Animal: Dog

Spirit Animal: Wolf

Tv Tropes They Fit Into: Mama Bear, Sassy Black Woman, Dark and Troubled Past, Heroic Seductress, Badass Normal, Ice Queen, Wise Beyond Their Years


~~Random~~
  • Zuri is fluent in English, Korean, and Spanish. She is currently learning Chinese and Japanese.
  • Zuri is allergic to shrimp.
  • She is a very skilled dancer and loves music as well.
  • Her online handle is Secrecy and she's very well-known in the gaming community for her skills and charm.
  • Zuri's daughter Naomi was born on Christmas Day.
  • She's a bibliophile and has a vast collection of books.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Yu Yu Hakusho OC

~~Introduction~~

Name: Mary Jane Veronica Mustang

Nicknames: M.J. (by everyone), Roni (by everyone)

Age: 18 (at start), 22 (at end)

Species: Human

Race: Puerto Rican and Italian

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Birthday: November 5th

Life Story: Mary Jane's mother was very immoral, promiscuous, and devoid of all manner in her youth. Her sexual adventures resulted in Mary Jane and her older brother Benjamin being born and she had to give up her lifestyle to raise them by herself without either of their fathers around. At the age of five, Mary Jane was molested by a man named Ichigo that her mother was dating. Although he was thrown out of the house and arrested, Mary Jane internalized the pain and began to go down a dark path while her mother became a Christian and worked various jobs to keep her family afloat.

Starting at age 7, she began stealing and lying compulsively and by age 13, she was hanging with the wrong crowd, becoming sexually active, and running away from home. On Mary Jane's 16th birthday, her mother became fed up and kicked her out of the house. In revenge, Mary Jane stole her mortgage money and became an escort to support herself.

Mary Jane is currently in college, working hard to make herself successful and doing whatever it takes to survive.


~~About Her~~

Personality: Mary Jane is a secretive, scandalous, roguish, and crafty jezebel with a very mischievous, flippant, saucy, presumptuous, and extremely nervy attitude. Often she subjugates others through her many forms of manipulation, extortion, low blows, and dirt she's able to obtain on people. Unprincipled and unscrupulous, Mary Jane often engages in rather questionable activities and thuggish behaviors such as conning/robbing, being an escort and mistress, engaging in elaborate forms of blackmail, etc.

Mary Jane often expresses a discontentment with growing up with nothing and the dysfunctional family life she feels was brought on by her mother's bad choices and sexual immoralities. As a result, she longs for wealth and power and will go to any and all lengths to rise to the top, not caring what it takes. Mary Jane will even exhibit some signs of possible psychopathic behavior and often uses her feminine wiles to get what she wants.

Mary Jane has a chameleon, street-smart nature that enables her to blend in with any crowd and she's excellent at reading and profiling people. This combined with her free-spirited and bold demeanor makes her invaluable when it comes to infiltration and going undercover. Mary Jane has no shame when it comes to her body or sexuality, being quite amoral and lusty and her open-mindedness knows little bounds.

Mary Jane has deep emotional scars from her childhood and early teen years which have turned her into an angry, vengeful woman. The main way she expresses her trauma is through her wrath. She's very choosy about her friends and associates and often appears as tough-minded, unemotional, and ruthless. Mary Jane actually has low self-esteem underneath her behavior and has a sense of secret shame and humiliation. She is full of secrets, pain, anger, and vengeance.

Despite being picky about who she allows to get close to her as well as her numerous flaws, Mary Jane is a person who is devoted to, loyal, and protective of her closest friends and will do anything to be there for them and support them, even to the point of being self-destructive and reckless. Judging isn't her style and she'll befriend people from all different walks of life thanks to her chameleon nature.

Good Habits: Ambitious, loyal, bold, popular, friendly, creative

Bad Habits: Greedy, secretive, manipulative, reckless, immoral, lusty

Likes: Money, power, her brother, being in control, parties, dancing, winning

Dislikes: Her mother, being broke, losing, being tied down, close-mindedness

Hobbies: Reading, dancing, fighting, gambling, cooking

Fears: Not having power, being penniless, being vulnerable

Special Powers/Abilities: Mary Jane will randomly have visions and premonitions of what's to come.


~~Dreams and Talents~~

Ambition/Life-long Dream: To become a lawyer

Occupation/Job: Escort

Best Classes: English, Gym, Science

Worst Classes: History, Math


~~Family and Friends~~

Parents:

Mother: Diana Mustang | Maid | Alive

Siblings:

Older Brother: Benjamin Mustang | Mechanic | Alive

Relatives: Unknown

Pets: Mary Jane has a pet cat named Midnight.

Best Friends: Yusuke Urameshi, Kazuma Kuwabara, Jin, Botan, Shizuru Kuwabara, Chu, Yukina

Friends: Keiko, Botan, Koenma, Toya, Atsuko Urameshi, Kurama, Hiei, Genkai

Crush: Yusuke, Jin, Kurama, Hiei, Toya, Sakyo


~~Yu Yu Hakusho Information~~

World: Human World

Fighter or Healer: Fighter

Weapons: Snake Sword


~~Looks and Appearance~~

Body Type: Tall, curvy, and voluptuous

Blood Type: O-

Height: 5'10

Weight: 200 lbs

Outfits: Example 1 Example 2 Example 3

Accessories: Mary Jane always has a finger ring on her right ring finger.

Makeup: N/A

Scent: Lavendar and rosemary

Hairstyles: Mary Jane styles her hair depending on the situation and outfit.

Scars, Tattoos, and/or Piercings: Mary Jane has a devil tattooed on her back, a tribal design on her upper right arm, and a dragon on her left arm.

Appearance:


~~Extra Information~~

Theme Song: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Quote: "With great power comes great responsibility."

Favorite Foods: Cheeseburgers, ramen, leeks

Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Number: 8

Favorite Season: Summer

Favorite Holiday: Christmas

Favorite Time Of Day: Night

Stripper x Client Yuri OCs


Basic Information

Full Name: Jessie Josephine Maye
Nicknames: Jess (by everyone), JJ (by her family), Love (by Veronica), Misty (stripper name)
Age: 23
Birthday: November 9th
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
Virginal Status: Non-virgin
Marital Status: Single

Current Location: Los Angeles, California, United States Of America
Place Of Birth: Dallas, Texas, United States Of America

Race/Heritage: Chinese and Irish
Blood Type: AB
Dominant Hand: Right
Religion: N/A
Fluent Languages: English, Spanish, Chinese
Allergies: Peanut Butter

Occupation: Stripper



Personality

Jessie has no shame when it comes to her body or sexuality. Carefree, youthful, and wild, she's a seductive, flirtatious temptress who is up for anything and everything. Her open-mindedness knows no bounds. Jessie is careless, selfish, and manipulative, enjoying the money and attention that comes with her job. Dancing, flirting, and drinking are her middle names alongside sex and money.

Shockingly, Jessie firmly believes that family is everything and has strong family values. She's more maternal and mature than people deem her to be and can be quite the domestic person behind closed doors. For some people, Jessie's presence can be very comforting almost like a mother comforting her child.

It's no surprise that Jessie has a slight fear of commitment and is uninterested in monogamy. Whenever feelings rise up, she bounces with a quickness and gets quite uncomfortable. Despite her domestic side, Jessie doesn't wish to be tied down because she doesn't want to get hurt again. Her track record with sexuality and relationships isn't the greatest and she uses her wild lifestyle as a way to numb and heal herself from all of the pain that she has felt as a result.

Getting close to Jessie in an emotional sense is like pulling teeth and trying to tame her is nearly impossible. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants. Jessie is proud and confident as well as outspoken, brash, straightforward, highly protective of her loved ones, and unafraid of confrontation. Her candor and honesty is something to be appreciated by many as well as her loyalty to those she loves. Judging isn't her style and she will support anyone who comes to her for advice.

Likes: Sex, dancing, partying, freedom, money, porn, children, food, music
Dislikes: Monogamy, being restricted, losing those she loves, being broke, cocky people, being hungry

Fears: Elevators, rats/mice, bugs

Either Or:
Optimist or Pessimist: Optimist
Introvert or Extrovert: Extrovert
Daredevil or Cautious: Daredevil
Logical or Emotional: Emotional
Prefers working or relaxing: Relaxing
Confident or Unsure of herself: Confident
Animal Lover: Yes

Rating:
Intelligence: 4/10
Confidence: 9/10
Wisdom: 5/10
Agility: 8/10
Stamina: 8/10
Cooperation: 2/10

Yes or No?:
Smoker: Yes
Drinker: Yes
Nail Biter: No
Athletic: No
Bookworm: No
Kleptomaniac: No
Party Animal: Yes
Vegetarian: No
Workaholic: No
Glasses: No
Contacts: No



Appearance

Face Claim: Jennifer Tilly

Scars: N/A
Tattoos: Jessie has a tattoo of a stabbed heart with the name Elliot above it on her chest.

Dress Style: Jessie dresses primarily in the Gothic fashion, embracing it fully.



Family

Father: Aaron Maye | Gynecologist | Alive
Jessie got her carefree, wild attitude from her father and it definitely shows. Although her father has calmed down a lot due to having a family and career, he fully acknowledges the fact that Jessie is just like him when he was her age. Because of this, Aaron and Jessie get along incredibly well and have a close bond expected of a father and daughter. However he often worries about her because of her lifestyle and is very protective and paranoid when it comes to her well-being to the point of being comical.

Mother: Crystal Maye (nee Hong) | U.S. Army (former); Paramedic (current) | Alive
Jessie shares her confidence, brashness, loyalty, and candor with her mother. This can lead to them butting heads rather frequently especially since Crystal disapproves of Jessie's lifestyle and makes sure that it's known. It's gotten to the point where their fights and arguments have become a way of endearment for them, often exchanging sarcastic and cynical quips and remarks towards each other. But Crystal truly loves Jessie and simply wants her to reach her full potential as well as have a more strait-laced lifestyle.

Twin Brother: James Maye | Welder | Alive
Being twins, it's expected that James and Jessie have a great relationship despite being opposites in terms of lifestyles. But unlike Crystal, James is more understanding and supportive towards Jessie although he too disapproves of her lifestyle and wishes she would make something better of herself. Like their father, James is very protective of Jessie's well-being but is far more grounded in reality compared to him and prefers to watch over her from afar rather than use Aaron's borderline helicopter approach.

Younger Sister: Candace Maye | Unemployed | Incarcerated
Candace looks up to Jessie and idolizes her. Unfortunately her desires to emulate her big sister have landed her in prison for 5 years. Jessie loves Candace dearly and prefers for her to just be herself instead of copying others. Jessie's non-judgmental approach alongside her loyalty is pivotal to her relationship with Candace due to the somewhat strained relationship with their family that they share. In a way, they're the black sheep of the Maye family and this is the main thing that brings them closer together with their own special bond.


Past: From a young age, Jessie showed a unique disposition that her family didn't always know how to handle. This made her the black sheep in the Maye household but it was all in good nature and Jessie learned many good things from her family that she still holds dear to this day.

Her closest friend was a boy named Elliot Austin who was also very rich and a trust fund baby. Despite them being from two different worlds, Jessie and Elliot were attached at the hip and as they got older, their relationship quickly became romantic and she lost her virginity to him at age 15.

Unfortunately their bliss didn't last forever as Elliot was diagnosed with AIDS at age 17 which he contracted from being sexually assaulted by a serial killer who had escaped from prison. He was given six months to live and was deteriorating rapidly.

Jessie refused to leave Elliot's side and support from his family, friends, and overall community was immense as his last days approached. Elliot eventually passed away a week after his high school graduation with Jessie and his family by his side.

In Elliot's will, he had left his trust fund to Jessie, calling her the love of his life and thanking her for being by his side all this time. The grieving and depressed Jessie decided to go to California to start a new life and made a solemn vow to never open her heart up to anyone else again.

She became a stripper at a well-known, high profile LGBT nightclub called The Rainbow Mile, not wanting to live off of Elliot's trust fund and preferring to treat it delicately as well as adding to it over time.

Now Jessie currently lives in Los Angeles, enjoying her occupation and new lifestyle but deep down feels like something is missing and uses those things to hide the pain she feels.





Basic Information

Full Name: Veronica Aileen Castro
Nicknames: Roni (by everyone), Lee (by everyone)
Age: 25
Birthday: January 1st
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual
Virginal Status: Non-virgin
Marital Status: Single

Current Location: Los Angeles, California, United States Of America
Place Of Birth: Memphis, Tennessee, United States Of America

Race/Heritage: Puerto Rican and Dominican
Blood Type: O
Dominant Hand: Left
Religion: Agnostic
Fluent Languages: English, Spanish, Chinese, Italian
Allergies: Coconut

Occupation: U.S. Army



Personality

Veronica is very confident and outspoken in her opinions and seldom likes being told what to do. She has gained a significant amount of intelligence over the years due to her love of books, which have provided her with an elevated vocabulary, an active imagination, and an open mind. Despite all this, Veronica doesn't have many friends. Her smarts and unconventional, free-thinking attitude make her stand out amongst her peers who regard her as a little odd behind her beauty.

Veronica is not concerned about her or others' appearances and is able to look past how people appear and see into their hearts. She refuses to be mistreated, undermined, humiliated, demeaned, or controlled by anyone. However Veronica will consider the opinions and directions of those who treat her as an equal and encourage her as well as believe in her, showering them with admiration, love, and most of all respect.

She is quite resolute when it comes to stating and upholding her opinions and maintaining her ideas. Even though Veronica dreams of adventure, she also wishes for someone who accepts her for who she is. This is because nearly everyone in her life criticizes her for doing her own thing and does not understand her, which makes her feel like she does not fit in.

Veronica is quite witty and is able to use this trait to her advantage and outsmart people. Cunning comebacks are a specialty for her and she can come up with one without much thought or hesitation. Veronica has a strong sense of character and is able to use this trait in a variety of ways, often to her own advantage. Similarly, she also has a strong sense of deductive reasoning which definitely comes in handy in accordance to her occupation.

Likes: Literature, adventure, respect, romance, animals, waltzing
Dislikes: Selfishness, manipulation, rudeness, disrespect, confinement, arrogance

Fears: Failure, being alone

Either Or:
Optimist or Pessimist: Optimist
Introvert or Extrovert: Introvert
Daredevil or Cautious: Daredevil
Logical or Emotional: Logical
Prefers working or relaxing: Working
Confident or unsure of herself: Confident
Animal Lover: Yes

Rating:
Intelligence: 9/10
Confidence: 8/10
Wisdom: 5/10
Agility: 7/10
Stamina: 7/10
Cooperation: 2/10

Yes or No?:
Smoker: No
Drinker: Yes
Nail Biter: No
Athletic: Yes
Bookworm: Yes
Kleptomaniac: No
Party Animal: No
Vegetarian: No
Workaholic: Yes
Glasses: No
Contacts: No



Appearance

Face Claim: Michelle Rodriguez

Scars: Veronica has many scars on her body from her military career.
Tattoos: N/A

Dress Style: Veronica dresses like a casual tomboy most of the time but is perfectly capable of dressing in a more feminine fashion when she needs to. She likes to be comfortable at all times as well.



Family

Mother: Maria Ortiz | Unemployed | Incarcerated
Veronica doesn't keep in contact with Maria and has lost all respect for her over the years. She has practically disowned her and doesn't consider her at all. As far as Veronica is concerned, Maria doesn't exist. Her hatred and contempt for her mother runs deep to the point where it almost terrifies her.

Father: Cesar Castro | U.S. Army | Deceased
Veronica was a daddy's girl and she truly loved and treasured Cesar. Losing him tore a hole in her heart that still exists to this day and she honors his memory by being the best person she can be. Veronica got her love of literature from her father as well because of him reading to her when she was a child. It is those memories that Veronica probably cherishes the most and holds nearest to her heart.

Stepmother: Julia Castro (nee McKenzie) | Lawyer | Alive
Veronica considers Julia the mother she never had and treats her as such. She loves her dearly and is very grateful to her for being there when her mother wasn't and for loving Cesar alongside making him happy. Julia dotes on Veronica and considers her her own daughter. Because of her career choice, Julia worries about Veronica's well-being to the point of being overbearing at times. She respects Veronica's intelligence and wants her to tap into her true potential which Veronica is unsure about.


Past: Veronica's parents were high school sweethearts fresh out of graduation when she was born. Cesar decided to enlist in the Army as a combat engineer while Maria worked as a waitress at a local restaurant. While Cesar was away at Basic Training, Maria had an affair with a local drug dealer and left Cesar, stealing from him and taking Veronica with her.

In response, Cesar took Maria to court and the odds were in his favor, the judge awarding him with 50/50 custody. Unfortunately Veronica had to be exposed to her parents' constant battling and her mother's verbal and physical abuse towards her. Being bullied and outcasted by her peers for her intelligence and thought process just made things even worse for Veronica and she had a depressing, lonely childhood as a result of it all.

The only solace Veronica had throughout the years was her father and his new wife Julia who showered her with the love and affection that she desperately needed in her life. Filled with rage and jealousy over Cesar moving on, Maria began stalking him and Julia as well as alienating Veronica from them which lead to her running away to some points.

When Veronica was 13, she ran away one last time to her father's home and refused to go back home to her mother. Maria's response was coming to Cesar's house and shooting him multiple times in front of Veronica. Julia arrived home to find Maria trying to kidnap Veronica which lead to a large fight between them, resulting in Julia badly injuring Maria. The paramedics and police arrived within minutes but sadly Cesar was dead on arrival.

Maria was arrested and charged with Cesar's murder and since he was a high-ranking solider in the Army, the case was very high-profile and had lots of media attention. Despite being traumatized and filled with sorrow over losing her father, Veronica testified against her mother and exposed her for the monster she truly was. Maria was charged with third-degree murder and sentenced to death.

Following the trial and conviction, Veronica struggled with depression and grief to the point of self-destruction. She became known for having a snarky, bad attitude despite her high intelligence and her temper was quite fiery. Not wanting Veronica to go down the wrong path, Julia took her to therapy when she was 15 and she took a long, hard, depressing look at herself and what she was becoming as a result which made her change her disposition and outlook on life.

After graduating high school, Veronica made the decision to enlist in the Army like her father, wanting to follow in his footsteps and lead a life of service like he did. Her MOS was 68 Whiskey: Combat Medic.

Now Veronica is fully experiencing military life and enjoying her newfound career but is craving something more out of life and not knowing what it is.